


Jay's pain

by Sa1989



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24591712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sa1989/pseuds/Sa1989
Summary: Sequel to Jay's Guilt
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Jay's pain

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure if I will do more in this series. Also please leave a comment

Jay was on the way to the district when the call came over the radio saying a dead body had been found. Jay noticed that it was about 5 minutes away so shrugged and decided to respond. When he arrived at the scene, voight and rusek were alright there. As jay approached he saw the victim and froze because that face had haunted him for years.  
“What do we have?” Voight asked in his usual gruff tone  
“Not much, the victim was shot in the back of the head and has no ID on him” Adam replied while taking photographs   
“Well get uniform to do a door to door and see if anyone knows who he is” voight snapped because he hated working a case where the victim was a John Doe because it made it that much harder. Adam turned and saw jay standing there white as a sheet.  
“Hey Halstead, you okay?” Adam asked in concern because he had never seen jay get sick at a crime scene before   
“His name was Colin carter” jay says in a cold and hard voice  
“So you knew him?” Voight asked with a raised eye brow  
“Yeah and whoever killed him should get a metal” jay said before walking away from the scene, knowing there was someone he needed to talk to before the rest of the unit got to them. Voight and Adam exchanged looks knowing there was a story there. After leaving the crime scene jay drove to a famillar house, even though he had not been here in years the house looked exactly the way jay remembered it. Jay turned off the engine and just sat there not knowing if he could face his aunt and uncle but knowing he had to warn them that They were about to become suspects in a murder investigation. Jay stood on the door step with baited breath as he waited for someone to answer. After awhile a woman answered the door and smiled as she saw jay  
“Jay it’s so good to see you again” she said as she pulled him into a hug.  
“Hi aunt Alice” jay said in a nervous voice because the last time he had seen her was at James funeral   
“Well don’t just stand there come in” she let him enter and then called for her husband. As soon as Charles saw his nephew he frowned.  
“What are you doing here?” Charles growled   
“Charles don’t be like that, jay’s family” Alice chided her husband because she had missed jay  
“Really? Where has he been for the last 15 years” Charles snarled backs at her  
“It’s ok aunt Alice, I should have kept in touch sorry. I am only here because Colin carter was found murdered this morning” jay said not wanting to stay here longer than he had to because being here was too painful for him. Alice almost collapsed into the arm chair behind her as she heard the name of the man who was responsible for her son’s death.  
“Good let me know when and where he is buried so I can piss on his grave” Charles went to get himself a beer to celebrate because he had been waiting a long time for that bastard to die.  
“You shouldn’t say that” jay told his uncle in a tired voice   
“Why not?” Charles asked   
“Because you too are going to be suspects” jay explained   
“Is that why you’re here? You think I killed him?” Charles asked his nephew   
“Look I don’t care if you killed him or not, I just came to warn you, you need to get your alibi straight before the police come and they will come” jay answered and it was true even if his aunt or uncle had something to with this jay would do everything he could to protect them, after all he owed them that much.  
“ thank you but we have nothing to hide. Even though we hated that man Charles wouldn’t have killed him” Alice told him in a kind voice.  
“If that’s all you come for then leave” Charles said in a hard tone because it had hurt when jay cut off all contact. Jay nodded and left without a word. Jay knew that coming here would be hard but it had been harder than he imagined.

When jay arrived at intelligence he went to his desk and listened to the others discussing Colin carter   
“It appears the victim was a convicted sex offender with a history of teenage boys” Kim said while pinning a photo up on the board  
“He had been on parole for about 7 months, he lived with his sister and was unemployed” Adam took over after Kim had finished   
“Okay ruzek you and Atwater talk to the victim’s sister and The rest of us will track down carter’s previous victims” voight orded his team  
“Why?” Jay asked in disbelief because those men should not have to be reminded of coach carter   
“Because anyone who carter abused had one hell of a motive” voight answered   
“So what? You want us to question them like their the criminals and bring up the worst thing that has happened to them” jay snapped before leaving the squad room. Everyone exchanged worried glances because jay seemed to be taking this case very personally.  
After leaving the squad room jay went to the men’s room and slashed his face with cold water, he knew voight was only doing his job but jay couldn’t just sit back and pretend this was just another case because it wasn’t. Ever since he had seen his former coach’s face jay hadn’t been able to stop memories of James from assaulting him. After leaving the men’s room voight called jay into his office. Jay entered and took the seat across from voight.  
“Halstead what’s you connection to carter?” Voight asked in a soft voice because he suspected he had already knew and it broke his heart.  
“It doesn’t matter“ jay answered without looking at his boss, jay knew voight was the kind of man who protected the people closest to him so how would he react to finding out jay hadn’t protected his cousin from that monster?.  
“Jay talk to me” voight tried again to get Halstead to open up but Jay just stayed silent. Voight shook his head and told Halstead to go home because it was clear jay had no desire to work carter’s murder. Jay just nodded and left.

No long after jay found himself sitting on the grass in front of James grave. Jay just stared at the headstone remembering the last time he saw his cousin alive. It had been the afternoon on the day he died. James had been waiting for jay after practice, James had just wanted to hangout and jay had found it weird at the time because they hadn’t spoken in months. After a a couple of hours jay decided to head home but when he entered his apartment he found Hailey waiting for him.  
“What are you doing here?” Jay asked cursing himself for giving her a spare key in case of an emergency, at the time it had seemed like a good idea but now not so much.  
“I wanted to make sure you were okay” Hailey told him while taking in his appearance, what she saw caused her heart to break because there was so much pain in jay’s eyes  
“I’m fine but I’m not really in the mood for company, so if that’s all” Jay opened the door hoping she would take the hint and leave.  
“Jay please I’m worried about you” Hailey said not moving from the couch   
“Don’t be I’m fine” jay closed the door with a sighed because it was clear Hailey had no intention of leaving.  
“I saw a team photo with you and carter in it” Hailey told him in a sad tone. She hadn’t believed it when she had found that picture online but then the pieces started to make a awful kind of sense to her. It had explained why jay was taking this case so personally and it would also explained why jay had never been able to handle cases involving sexual abuse well. Jay looked away from her as she said this, he knew she would have questions so jay walked to the fridge and grabbed two beers and handed Hailey one. The was no way jay could get through this conversation sober so he took a big swig of beer before sitting down and saying “I know you have questions so let’s get this over with”  
“Did carter ever touch you?” Hailey asked struggling to get the question out, she had asked this same question countless times but this was the only time she was scared to hear the answer.  
“No I wasn’t his type, lucky me” jay said with a bitter laugh   
“Thank god” Hailey said relief evident in her voice. Jay head snapped up at this and asked “so what? You think I should be glad that he went after James instead of me, do you?” Jay got of the couch, he started to pace as he felt the anger build inside of him. He often laid awake asking himself why had carter gone after James and not him? Jay couldn’t help feeling guilty that carter had left him alone while James was going through the worse kind of hell as dumb as that was.  
“Was James a friend of yours?” She asks in a confused tone   
“No, he was my cousin on my mother’s side” jay said while taking another drink   
“ oh, I’m sorry that happened to him” Hailey said trying to offer jay comfort but jay just shook it off because he wasn’t looking for comfort or absolution.  
“Our family was really close when I was growing, James and I weren’t just cousins but best friends you know? I mean we were around the same age so we had a lot in common” jay said with a smile remembering all the trouble that they had gotten into back before carter and all the pain he caused.  
“Then why haven’t you invited him to Molly’s?” Hailey was confused because she couldn’t remember jay ever mentioning his cousin, which was strange if they were as close as jay said  
“Because he’s dead” jay snapped in a hard voice, Hailey didn’t know what to say so just stayed silent. Jay sighed knowing Hailey wouldn’t ask anymore questions but apart of him wanted to get it off his chest so he took a deep breath and started to speak but he wasn’t speaking to Hailey not really.  
“When we joined the football team in our freshman year we we were so excited because it was rare for a freshman to make the tame let alone two. we thought we were going to be kings of the school and for a time I guess we were but then everything changed. James started to get secretive and stopped hanging around with me but I just thought he had a new girlfriend that he didn’t want me to tease him about. I should have paid more attention and maybe then I could have stopped carter” jay stopped speaking at this point and went to get another beer.  
“Jay you can’t blame yourself, you were only a teenager” Hailey said in a soft tone but knew jay well enough to know he would always blame himself to some extent because that was just who jay was. Jay just shrugged and continued on with his story as if Hailey hadn’t even spoken “anyway after awhile James started to skip practice that’s when I knew something was wrong because football had always been jame’s life, there was no way he would have risked being kicked off the team. I tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn’t, he was just so angry at everything and everyone. Then from there everything spiralled out of control so fast. James got into drugs and shit. He even get arrested a couple of times, my aunt and uncle tried everything they could think of to get through to him but nothing worked. They even asked carter to talk to him to get him back on the straighten arrow which is a sick joke because James was only losing it because of carter” jay stopped and stared at his beer. Hailey closed her eyes in sympathy because she could imagine how hard it had been on jay to watch his cousin fall apart.  
“So what happened? I mean how did you find out about carter and the abuse?” Hailey asked in a shaky voice because she knew this story wasn’t going to have a happy ending.  
“One day out of the blue I found James waiting for me in the car park after practice even though we hadn’t spoken for a while, Don’t get me wrong I had been trying to talk to James but James just kept avoiding me. I kept trying even after everybody else had given up on him, hell even his own parents has written him off as just another junkie but I knew that there was something going on that was driving him to drugs. Anyway after practice that day James and I just spent hours hanging out and talking about nothing really, it was like having the old James back. I really thought James was getting back to his old self, but now looking back I think the reason he was relaxed and laid back was because he had already decided what he was going to do” jay fell silent lost in the memory.  
“What do you mean?” Hailey asked prompting him to continue   
“That night after I dropped him home he went into his room and wrote a letter explaining about carter and saying goodbye before he took a overdose of heroin. I will never forget the look on my parents faces when they gave me and will the news” jay said with tears in his eyes. Hailey took jay’s hand in a pointless effort to comfort him.  
“After the police started an investigation other boys carter had abused came forward and carter was arrested.” Jay told Hailey.  
“At least he was found guilty and paid for what he did to James. now He’s dead” Hayley said knowing it was little comfort to jay.  
“Yeah” Jay whispers   
“Jay where were you last night?” Hayley hated herself for asking  
that but she knew jay had a strong motive to kill carter.  
“I know what you’re really asking and the answer is no I didn’t kill carter. I didn’t even know he was out but if I had known then I wouldn’t have used a gun because that would have be too quick. After what he did to James and god knows how many other boys, I would’ve made it a slow and painful death” Jay told Hayley unashamed.   
“Jay” Hayley said worried about how dark Jay's mood was but she couldn’t blame him for feeling the way he did.  
“I don’t want anyone else in the squad to know about James. I know you will probably have to tell them that I was on carter’s team back in high school but They don’t need to know about my connection to james understood” Jay said looking her in the eye. Hailey just nodded promising herself not to cause jay more pain. After that Hailey left jay’s apartment sensing he wanted to be alone. After Hailey left, jay made his way to his bookcase and pulled out a photo album that he hadn’t looked at in years. For the rest of the night jay sat looking at photos of him and James while tears rolled down his cheeks.


End file.
